‘I’m defensive, I am not being defensive’

Being confronted with an issue or an argument can be an incredible difficult thing, since no one likes to face reality or have offers see the worse in us. Often these people in our lives are trying to be helpful and sincere in the best way possible, yet we jump so quickly into feeling attacked. We automatically defend ourselves by lashing out. This may not apply to everyone, but for those off us so used to receiving compliments, or those of us that always likes to have a purpose behind every actions we take that we find valuable. Receiving confutation is the one thing we pounce to.

It’s fairly primitive behaviour, when our ego our sense of self is under threat we have to attack. Since If we were to simply take the advice it can be embarrassing and painful. But yet again, to our conscious mind we are only sticking up for ourselves, validating our actions. While subconsciously we are using anything to our defence, we are in complete denial because we know there is some truth in that. Our identity would have us believe that we are still in control in an argument, when in reality we are losing all control and saying whatever will improve the current situation. We demonise the person in front of us, making them the problem.

We consider ourselves smart, so when that smart person fails. And we begin to feel weak and uncomfortable since we have let ourselves down in such a shameful way. We grow angry quickly. The confrontation from the test and the teacher will cause them to say “we didn’t learn that fully”, “the test was too last minute to revise” or the teachers the one who made the mistake. Prime example. So there are two stages to this scenario

1. Denial

Refusing to accept, we fight through tooth and bone to prove our point. This point is a complete disbelief. We would rather listen to our own option than accept the fatal truth. To overcome this point. Don’t see the evidence as life threatening, when the anger bounces. Release it, have a shout or have a moment of insanity. But never dwell in it. Take it on the chin and respect how honest that person is. Take the step back approach and discuss it out. You don’t have to believe everything they are saying, just be present. Without the ego stepping into the situation, your integrity is something that can never go away remember that.

1. Projection

Let’s label it all on someone else. The ‘it’s all your fault’ approach, since there is no way that you were in the wrong. This is where we may ramble on about that person, since I feel you with that feeling that your right and justified. The best way to overcome this problem is to see the events through their own feet, it is important to see what their intentions were. By doing that you re both releasing the ego for a short period and building an empathy. You a realise and appreciate what they had to say, without you needing to attack or defend.

By building these good habits and allowing yourself to accept yourself no matter what mistakes we make I incredible powerful. For those of u that have to defend ourselves it is the most difficult for ourselves to be in a state of acceptance for just what is.